Essays

Letting go of my ego

As I stared into the distance, I could see my whole existence before me. I began to contemplate the responsibility of my existence, Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I? To this I know I can never find an answer to, for I realized, only if I live I can fully understand this question!

However, I am not without direction, for I am being propelled further; further each time. It is as if some invisible force was now driving me and my livelihood. My life is no longer in control of my logical perceptions, yet I have never been so much in control. I have given up any attempt at control, for I know I am driven better by fate than by logic, for logical is worldly and my drive go beyond the world, as we know it. My life, for a long period, was driven by my respect for science and deductive logic. Now, something higher than me, higher than logic has taken control; and I let it.

My journey did not begin knowing I had to lose control, maybe I would have feared even going on it, but my personality to challenge even the best led me to embark on the journey. My journey began with pure science and logic, it began with my need to crack the code of our existence, the code to how the world functions. I did do exactly that but not in a way that I had ever imagined. For the journey was strange and it began with logic.

Somewhere along the way something changed, the answer of which I was looking for, all around me, only seemed to come from inside me. The course of my path changed, I stopped looking around me for answers, for all of them were now in me, I just had to reach further to hear the voice more clearly. I had to dig deeper inside myself to hear the direction of the voice. I understood that I only had to understand myself to understand the entire world.

That is exactly what I did! I realized I had to lose control, it wasn’t new for me, and that’s what I did. I started to understand a whole dimension of existence. I had one important understanding, and it was a simple one! I understood that anything in life, if studied carefully and with honesty, has the ability to reveal you all the secrets of life and of human existence. For that understanding I chose to explore myself, because it was easy, because I was too lazy to look further; because it was me.

Through the journey, I began to understand that being me entailed for me to be fully “me”. It meant I had to let go of all that I had a prejudice of, of all that I understood to be right or wrong, of all I deemed to be good or bad, for they were not my definitions but mere laws and guidelines for one to dictate themselves by. I began to understand that it meant letting go of trying to fit in. trying to make others happy, trying to impress others; trying to the better. For better does not exist and fitting in doesn’t matter. It meant being lonely and going on an adventure alone, it meant letting go of my teachers, it meant letting go of anything that was a barrier to me from being my whole self. I began understanding that only I could direct my life, no matter how alone I felt or how lonely it got.

I began to realize why I never “fit in”, why I was always “the odd one out”, why I was always “strange”. I started to grasp that I was not like anyone else, I was always different; never meant to fit in. I began to realize that everything people used in order to humiliate me, were nothing but people trying to grasp why I was so different; so, scary. I never fit into any of their categories, I was undefinable: and that bothered people. I was so similar to all of them but yet so strange. It was almost like I had a mark on me. A mark so visible to the ignorant eyes that it made me stand out as if I was the devil against the god that they have a preconceived loyalty to

The “mark” that I hated with the depths of my heart, started to become my friend on this journey. This mark became my identity that I started holding with pride; it became my statement. It helped me understand the course of my existence and gave meaning to it; for it was truly mine. The mark for which I was made fun of and secluded, I realized will always be feared by the lesser. People will always fear the strength of a conscious individual that lives for nothing but living.

People fear the strength of an individual for most of them are caught up in belonging to a group, which is somewhat denoted to be a better way. People will live their life to always belong to a better class, have a better life, live a better future, to be a part of a larger definition. What they don’t fully grasp is that there is no essentiality in living to be like someone else. People will never understand that I do not want to belong, not want to be better, I don’t fear or want to be god. I want to be so strongly my individual self that if I was to ever encounter the almighty, I can stare in their eyes till I feel equal. I want to let everyone know I do not fear them, I do not fear anything but fear itself. For I am a working towards being a complete individual, I do not want to live in the “god intended path”. For I believe in forging my own path, writing my own rules about and for my existence. I realized that the strength of my individuality is above all that is logical and acceptable; it is above god itself; for god is nothing more than a human creation.

However, do not mistake my understanding for my ego, for my ego drives me while my understanding protects me. What I know is protected inside of me and for that I know I am protected, because my understanding transverses beyond my existence. It reaches the depth of the living condition and plays with the unconscious, with the essence of our being. My understanding comes from something beyond myself, and for that I am protected.

I began to realize that, in my understanding I was able to synchronize with the universe, I began to live outside the bounds of time and space. I became timeless, and to that I owe my entire existence. I came to realize that because of my timeless-ness, logic failed me, so did science. The laws of science only hold true for a certain boundary of time and space, my consciousness and knowledge transversed both.

When I first realized this I felt lonely, I found no drive or the necessity to do things. I felt like I had no guide, that I was completely alone in my journey. I wanted to be able to know good from bad and right from wrong; but the understanding that they do not exist shook me and almost shattered my will to live; for in it I found no purpose.

What is my purpose? I questioned this more than anything I know. I have always been lost for I am interested in a vast pool of knowledge and understanding. I wanted to do anything and everything. My life seemed purposeless, yet I know it was not so. Something inside me kept telling me that everything will be ok and before I know it, my purpose will reveal itself. However, I questioned the authority of this thought for it gave me nothing but confusion. Brought in me nothing but anxiety. That is when I put the universe to a test, I wanted to test the extent to which my will can influence matter.

The strength of my will and the virtue of my understanding surpassed all that was logical. I started practicing “mind control” as the first visible gifts of my understanding. The strength of my will was able to break all boundaries of the physical world and the logic that dictates it. I became powerful without superpowers. My power lied in my oneness with the universe and the understanding of its strengths.

The chaos of the universe gave me the internal peace that surrounds me. However, it did not leave me with flawlessness, it left me full of flaws. For now, I understand myself and in that my flaws are fully understood. Before my flawlessness was hidden under the veil of my ignorance. Only once the veil lifter, did it became clear that I was not a complete human, I was nothing but a highly aware animal. For human I have become now, as now I have left the limitations of the physical world and persevered outside time and space.

What is being human? For all our existence we have believed that “human being are social animals”, to what degree are we really social, this we are unsure of. To the innermost degree, humans crave independence and freedom, we understand it as a form of self-governance dictated only by our will.  In attaining this freedom one has to let go of all bounds. The biggest bounds in our life are set by people around us, so being social seems to limit us from being fully human. In a way, most humans are nothing else but mindless animals following on a path set by others, rejoicing in their meaningless conquests and life achievements, not knowing that their lives have been lived by thousands of people in the past and the future.

Talking about things that limit our ability to be complete, self-governed, empathetic, independent and free humans, government takes the lead. Governments restrict humanity with set rules and laws, that are unknowingly stripping individuality and freedom in human beings. In a way, laws are the greatest boundaries to overcome in being a complete human. However, due to a false conditioning exposed to most human beings, laws and rules cannot be disqualified. They help the mindless find a way towards what is right or not, it helps the ones that cannot comprehend the context of self-governance. Laws are to be forced only on ones that are unable to form their own principles of morality with which they guide their existence as a human.

For humans are dictated by nothing but their morality. No good person is without flaws and no one that understands this will ever argue for perfection. However, being driven by their morality gives human a confidence that is less to non. Because morality comes not from laws but from within us, from something that is higher than our being. And that is the voice one should listen to.

That is the same voice I let guide me, for it requires no direction or destination. For it will guide one to where they are meant to be and meant to do. This voice that comes from within myself, a result of my understanding, I know will always guide me towards my essence. For, this knowledge I am not worried. for this voice for self-direction is what makes me so strange, so scary. For, this will answer all my questions, Why am I? Who am I? and Why am I here? And it will help me come up with an answer that I could have never known existed!

I was still staring into space as I realized the strangeness of my staring into nothingness, as I was staring into myself. That’s when I chose to stop staring into myself. THat’s when I chose to stop staring inside to get up and make myself some food before my human condition collapses for the lack of fuel. Oh what an irony life is! No wonder I’ve been obsessed with irony!

 

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